


Softly

by Cherrys_Criminal_Mind



Category: Criminal Minds, Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Tearjerker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 07:28:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6229216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherrys_Criminal_Mind/pseuds/Cherrys_Criminal_Mind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Spencer is seriously injured, the reader waits by his side in hospital. </p><p>A/N: This is a tear jerker according to the feed back I got on my tumblr (cherrywhisp)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Softly As I Leave You

Ten days he’d been in intensive care and ten days you’d been by his side.

He was breathing by himself now at least, although his injuries were still incredibly severe. The combination of pain killers he was on, meant that he was doped up to the eyeballs and asleep for the majority of the time. But at least he’d woken up. It had taken five days but he’d woken up. That was something.

You’d been at headquarters helping Penelope when the call had come in from Emily. Spencer, your colleague and boyfriend of two years… fiance really, had been shot. It had been a routine house call, looking for witnesses, but they’d stumbled upon a drug den quite accidentally. Emily had been injured as well, but she was up and had been discharged. Spencer had taken the worst of it. You didn’t even listen as they listed his injuries, all you wanted was to see him. And when they’d finally let you into his room after a four hour agonising wait whilst he underwent life saving surgery, you’d been shocked. He was unconscious, looking pale and fragile in a hospital bed, tubes and IVs streaming from his body and a breathing tube in his throat.

You’d fallen to the floor and Derek and Aaron had needed to drag you out of the room, you clinging to your supervisor as you sobbed.

When you finally managed to compose yourself, you’d been allowed back in and had taken up residence by his bed side, not moving for the next ten days.

The nurses were kind and compassionate towards you, and the team kept you well supplied with clean clothes so you didn’t have to leave. You slept on a tiny cot the nurses had found and showered in the small bathroom available for families with members in critical conditions. The team took it in turns to sit with you, trying to keep you company and bringing you Spencers favourite books for you to read aloud to him. He may be unconscious but numerous studies had shown that he’d still be able to hear you, Spencer himself would tell you that if he’d been awake.   
After five days, he’d stirred and your heart had lifted. He’d coughed and spluttered as the Doctor had removed the tube from his throat, pleased that he was able to breathe by himself. Spencer had croaked out an “I love you” and had fallen quickly asleep again.

Since then, he’d been in out of consciousness, holding lucid conversations with you one moment, and slurring from the morphine the next. He hated being drugged, but he had very little choice given the state he was in.

He’d had to be rushed back into surgery once more two days ago. A piece of bullet that hadn’t been removed had shifted inside of him, causing internal bleeding and a build up of fluid in his abdomen. Since then, he’d been back on oxygen. Not a tube down his throat this time, just a mask. But it was scary enough.

You hated this. This wasn’t meant to happen.

..

Ten days he’d been in this bed he’d been told. Ten days. Sometimes he was in pain, sometimes it was like he was floating on a white fluffy cloud.

There were times when it seemed like he was looking down at his body, looking at the beautiful girl who hadn’t left his bedside for ten days. The girl who he’d asked to marry him only two months before.

Spencer loved her so much, and her pleas for him to keep holding on were all that was keeping him here, making him fight. His body was weary though. So weary and tired. During the moments he was awake, he relished the feeling of her hand on his, the touch of her soft lips on his forehead. When he was asleep he could still hear her, reading his favourite stories that he knew off by heart, her voice soothing him. She was everything to him.

Yet… He knew. Somehow, he knew.

She wouldn’t leave him though, he’d heard the team, his amazing teammates that he loved and adored, they’d all begged her to go home and get some proper rest. But she wouldn’t. Sometimes in the night, he’d wake up and see her curled into her a ball on the cot in the corner of the room. Oh, how he longed to crawl next to her and to wrap his arms around her and never let her go.

She was dozing now, her head on the hospital bed next to his hand. His best friend Morgan was sat by his bed, keeping her company.

Derek glanced over, seeing he was awake.

“Hey buddy.” He scooted his chair closer to the bed.

“What time is it?” Spencer couldn’t see the clock on the wall. He didn’t have his glasses and his contacts had been removed days ago.

“It’s… 11pm. I came after work, hoping I could convince Y/N to go home. She’s not having it.”

She needed to leave. Spencer needed her to leave. He was so tired, in so much pain.

But he couldn’t.

“Derek. If anything happens to me here, you’ll take care of her won’t you? You’ll keep her safe for me?”

Morgan noticed the urgency in his friends voice and reached out and patted his hand.

“Course I will Kid. But nothings gonna happen. The Doctors have got you covered.”

Spence gave a weak smile.“Will you wake her up. I’m going to try to get her to go home. Will you… will you stay with her if she goes?”

“Sure thing, Reid.” Derek stood and walked around to where Y/N was sleeping, nudging her gently.

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Lover boy is awake. He wants to talk.”

She rubbed her eyes, raising her head from the hospital bed and immediately taking Spencers hand, not noticing how cold it felt.

Derek sensed that Reid wanted to be alone with her and left the room, hovering outside the door.

“Hey.” Y/N smiled her beautiful smile at him. A smile he’d take with him. Even in her sleep deprived state, she was still the most amazingly beautiful creature he’d ever seen.

“Hey… Y/N. I need you to go home.” His voice was clearer than it had been before, had more power and strength behind it.

She shook her head, just like he knew she would.

“Please Baby… You’re so tired and it hurts me to see you like this. You need a good nights sleep. You need your strength to look after me. For when I come home.”

He gave her hand a squeeze, not letting the effort it took for him to do that small motion show on his face.

“I don’t wanna leave you alone. What if…. ”

“Nothings going to happen. I feel much stronger today. I’m not in as much pain, I think I’m starting to heal. And I’m surrounded by Doctors. Do you think they’d let anything happen after all the effort they’ve put in. I’m fine. In a few weeks, I’ll be home and in a few months, this will be a distant memory. I promise.”

The Bureau had taught him to lie, and he hated how easily the words were slipping from his mouth.

She studied his face. His voice did sound stronger, and he wasn’t slurring. She glanced at the machines by his bed. She’d learnt to read the vitals that were displayed over the ten days she’d been here, and they seemed stronger than ever. Maybe… Maybe he was right.

Spencer could see her wavering. “Please. Go home. Derek will go with you. Get a good night’s rest in our bed and have a nice hot bath. When you come back tomorrow I want to see you fully rested. Okay? Please…”

She stood from her chair, leaning over the bed and pressing her lips to his dry chapped ones.

“Are you sure?” She asked quietly.

“Yes. You need to sleep properly. I’ll be fine.”

She kissed him again, whispering “I love you” to him.

He repeated the words to her, savouring the look on her face as he said them.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, bright and early. I love you.”

“I love you too. Now go!” He feigned a chuckle at her, trying not to cough. His chest felt suddenly heavier, like it was drowning in fluid.   
She grinned and picked up her bag, exiting the room.

…

The next time Spencer saw her, she was asleep in their bed. Her hair had fallen over her face and she was clutching his purple scarf that he loved so much.

_Softly, I will leave you softly  
For my heart would break  
If you should wake and see me go  
So I leave you softly, long before you miss me_

He hated himself for lying to her, but he needed her to leave. If he heard her beg and plead with him again, he wouldn’t be able to stand it. And he just hurt so much, he couldn’t take the pain anymore. He just wanted it to end.

_Long before your arms can beg me stay  
For one more hour or one more day  
After all the years, I can’t bear the tears to fall  
So, softly as I leave you there_

He reached his hand out, brushing her hair back and watching her chest rise and fall with each breath. She’d be okay. They’d take care of her. Derek had promised and he knew the others would make sure she was cared for.

The few years they’d had together had been the best of his life. He’d been lucky to have had those few with her. Never in a million years would he have ever expected to have shared the joy and love that he had with her. He’d take those few years, it was more than a lot of people had.

He sat and watched her, running his hand along her arm and seeing her shiver and pull it under the covers.

_Softly, long before you kiss me  
Long before your arms can beg me stay  
For one more hour  
Or one more day  
After all the years, I can’t bear the tears to fall  
So, softly as I leave you there_

He heard the faint ringing of a phone down stairs, Morgans cell.

He needed to go. He moved away from the bed, to the corner of the room as he heard a loud “NO!” from downstairs, followed by the sound of footsteps charging up the stairs.

Derek flung the door open, and Y/N awoke, turning to look at him.

Her face crumpled immediately, she knew. Derek didn’t need to tell her. “No no no no no. Oh god no.”

Derek crawled onto the bed next to her, wrapping his arms around her and she repeated the words over and over, tears spilling free from the both of them.

Spencer watched, his still heart breaking. This was why he’d needed her to leave. He couldn’t leave with her in the room. She’d never let him.

_As I leave I you there  
As I leave I you there_


	2. The Ghost Of You

Four months had passed. Four hellish months.   
Every second you spent without him was hell on earth.

You didn’t get chance to say goodbye to him. That night he’d told you to go home, you now realised that he must have known. And he didn’t want to you there. Which meant you hadn’t got to tell him all the things you wanted to.

Like how you couldn’t imagine life without him. How you’d planned your wedding in your head already even though you’d only been engaged for two months. How excited his Mom had been when you talked to her on the phone, she’d already ordered at least five hats. Hats she’d now had to cancel or send back.

You couldn’t tell him how perfect he was, and how thankful you were for meeting him. You couldn’t tell him how long you’d actually crushed on him before you plucked up the courage to ask him out, your heart hammering as he’d stuttered out a yes and blushed red. You’d never get the chance to hold him again, to feel his embrace, his lips, his everything.

You hated him for leaving you how he did. Three hours after you’d left, at his insistence.

When Morgan had burst into your bedroom in those early hours, you hadn’t needed to ask. The look on his face had been enough and you’d both collapsed in tears. His best friend, and your best friend and lover, your world. Gone.

You couldn’t even remember his funeral. You’d gone, of course you’d gone. But you could barely recall what had happened there. All you remembered was being distraught because you’d not been able to find his favourite purple scarf and you’d wanted to bury him with it.

You still couldn’t find it, and it plagued you everyday. You’d had it, the night you’d come home from the hospital. You’d gone to sleep with it tangled around your arms. But it was nowhere to be found, and you turned your house upside down looking for it.

The house….

Spencer had moved in three months before his death, and his stuff was still in boxes. Rather convenient when you thought about it. At least it would be make clearing them out easier, had been one thought that had passed through your mind early one morning when you couldn’t sleep. Then seconds later you’d burst into tears at the thought of removing his stuff, his things from your home.

Days blended into nights; half the time you weren’t sure what time it actually was. You rarely left the house now, you had no reason to. You were on indefinite leave from work and when you’d gotten engaged, Spencer had made arrangements so that any death in service benefits would be split between yourself and his mom and you’d done the same with yours.   
Neither of you had quite imagined you ever having to use them, but needless to say, they were sat in your bank account paying your bills for you.

The team still came around when they could. Penny and Derek more than the others, although Aaron checked in via text daily. If you didn’t respond within an hour or two he’d call. He was worried about you, they all were.

You knew why. Four weeks after the funeral Derek had turned up at your house to find you sitting at the kitchen table, a bottle of vodka and a tub of prescription pain killers you’d had stashed in your drawer since you’d injured your shoulder on a case two years ago. Derek had been distraught, begging you not to do anything stupid, saying how he couldn’t lose you too, you were all he had left of Spencer.

_At the end of the world  
Or the last thing I see  
You are  
Never coming home  
Never coming home  
Could I? Should I?_

So you didn’t go through with it. You weren’t sure if you’d really intended to or not but it seemed like an option at the time. Your Catholic upbringing had niggled at you and said you wouldn’t be reunited with him anyway, not that you actually believed in any of that. When you were dead, you were dead. That was it. There was no heaven, hell or purgatory, just like there was no such things as ghosts or spirits.

Except….

Was there?

It was silly you knew, but since the day with the vodka, your house had felt strange. Not bad strange but just… Like you weren’t alone.

You’d be walking around and swear you could smell Spencers cologne, or you’d be looking for something, one of his books or his watch and you’d turn around and it would be there. Right in the place you’d just looked.

It was… odd.

But you put it down to you not being it the right mindset. You were forgetful right now, you couldn’t think about anything outside of your little bubble. Your tiny little bubble that consisted of just you now, and the memories of things that had happened and of the things that should have been.

The nights were the worst.

You’d lie in bed, on his side, hugging his pillow which even now still smelled faintly of his shampoo. You weren’t changing that pillow cover, ever.  And then you’d cry.

Sometimes you’d cried yourself to sleep, some times you weren’t sure if you’d slept at all.

And then there were times when you were certain you had to be dreaming….Although when you’d wake in the morning you’d be more tired than ever as if you’d not slept at all.

But you must have been dreaming. Because it wasn’t possible.

In those dreams, Spencer would be there. Lying next to you on the bed, his arms wrapped around you and he’d be talking to you.

You’d laugh, and reminisce about old times, and he’d kiss your neck and make you shiver from his breath.

He’d tell you how you had to be strong, how you needed to move on and over him.

And you’d tell him that it wasn’t possible, it just wasn’t. He was your true love, your one and only and there was no way you’d ever get over him.

He’d hold you and smooth your hair back until you fell asleep within your dream, and when you’d wake, for a moment you’d feel happy.

_And all the things that you never ever told me  
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me  
Never coming home   
Never coming home  
Could I? Should I?_

And then you’d remember.

And you’d start the day all over again, counting down until bed time in the hope that you’d dream about him again.

Recently the dreams had become more and more frequent. You didn’t mind. It meant you got to see him. You’d go to bed wearing his shirt or his watch. You’d found if you wore something of his, it seemed more likely that you’d dream about him.

And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me  
For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me

But you still couldn’t find that blasted purple scarf.

_If I fall  
If I fall (down)_

 

…

Spencer needed to stop.

_I never said I’d lie and wait forever  
If I died, we’d be together  
I can’t always just forget her  
But she could try_

He was draining her physically and mentally. She thought she was dreaming when he was there but she wasn’t.

Well, she was in that weird state between sleep and wake, that was where he’d found he could speak to her and make her feel his presence. He was sure she felt it sometimes during the day as well. But it was better at night.

He started coming when he’d seen her that day with the vodka and pills. He couldn’t let her do that, but he couldn’t physically stop her. He wasn’t sure how to communicate with her at that point.

Luckily, Morgan had stopped her, although part of him wondered what would have happened if he hadn’t. Would Spencer have been reunited with Y/N? Or was purgatory real. He hadn’t thought ghosts to be real either, but here he was.

But… Him being there wasn’t helping her.

Yes, she seemed happier when he’d showed himself to her, but it wasn’t helping with the grieving process and he knew it.

But he couldn’t stop, he just wanted to hold her one more time. Each night he’d tell himself it was the last time. And each night when she’d dress herself in one of his shirts, he’d find himself waiting for her eyes to close and then he’d crawl onto the bed next to her waiting for her to be able to feel him there.

He needed to stop visiting her, to let her get on with her life. She had other people to look out for her. She didn’t need him. He was scared he was making it worse. That if he kept talking to her, she’d get ideas again. The vodka, the pills.

_Ever…  
Get the feeling that you’re never  
All alone and I remember now  
At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies  
She dies_

He just….. didn’t want to.

They were meant to have forever together. And now, all he had were those moments when she wasn’t really asleep but wasn’t really awake.

_If I fall  
If I fall (down)_


	3. My Immortal

Ten months had passed. Ten long months.

You’d gone back to work after six months. During one of your ‘dreams’ Spencer had told you that you needed to. That it would be good for you, that it would take your mind off the misery that you were stuck in. The misery of him not being alive, the misery of you not being with him physically.

_I’m so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
‘Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won’t leave me alone_

And… It hadn’t been too bad. You’d not gone out into the field again yet, but then again you rarely did anyway. Your main job was to help back at HQ, and to focus on the media, but the team had been doing that between them whilst you’d been off. Working helped you take your mind off Spencer, although the first time you’d gone in and seen his old desk, you’d lost it and had burst into tears.

_These wounds won’t seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There’s just too much that time cannot erase_

You were no longer sure that these dreams you were having were actually dreams. You always seemed drained after them and you’d noticed that since you’d started back at work, they either only occurred when you were off work the next day, or else they were only brief 'dreams’ and then you’d start dreaming about something else.

You’d opened up to Derek about them, fearing that he’d laugh or find it funny but he’d just solemnly nodded and told you that he’d had them too. Spencer speaking to him and checking up on everyone, making sure they were doing okay and that he was looking out for you.

“How often do you have them?” You’d whispered to him.

“Every few weeks at least. He mainly talks about you. It’s so strange because… well it’s like I’m asleep but I’m not. He’s talking to me in my bedroom and I’m wearing the same clothes that I went to sleep in, which well… Sometimes is nothing at all, so that’s weird too. And they’re so vivid, I can remember almost everything, like we’d actually had a proper conversation.”

“It’s like he’s actually there… ” You’d said and Derek had nodded.

And so you’d researched it. So many people reported be able to have conversations with their loved ones during their sleep. So many people reported having the same feeling of having someone there with them, someone watching them. So one night, when he came, you asked him.

“Spencer are you actually here?” His arms had been wrapped around you, your skin cold where he was touching you.

“Yes and no.”

“Yes and no?”

“Well I’m not here physically, but I am still here. It’s…. complicated.”

You smiled. “You’re like a ghost?”

“Erm….well. I guess I am. Why. Does it bother you?”

“No! It means…. It means I still get to be with you. But… How long for? How long will you be around?”

“For as long as you need me.” Spencer had told you, nuzzling your hair and sending cool shivers down your spine.

“Always then….”

“Like I said, for as long as you need me.”

_When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears  
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

…

Spencer had cut down his visits, well….He’d cut down making her aware of his visits. Mostly he’d stay out of sight, only showing himself when she’d had a particularly rough day at work, or if he knew she didn’t have to go in the next day.

He was pleased she’d gone back, it gave her something to do. He’d hated seeing her sitting and wallowing, not even crying sometimes, just staring off into space at the same spot on the wall for hours.

She was making progress. She was slowly, so slowly, starting to live her life again. She wore his wrist watch everywhere she went though, she’d had it adjusted to fit her slim, delicate wrists. And she’d not yet removed her engagement ring, not once. She still looked for that scarf though. He knew where it was. He’d seen it seven weeks ago when Morgan had helped her move their… well her, bedroom around. It had fallen behind a dresser and neither of them had spotted it. He’d tell her, eventually. That was his favourite item of clothing and for some reason, he knew it wasn’t the right time for her to find it yet, no matter how hard she looked for it.

He’d watched her get dressed up a few times to go out with the team, looking more beautiful than the sun and moon themselves, although each time she’d returned she’d fallen into bed sobbing, crying out her him. So he’d wait for her to fall into that state, that special state. Then he’d go to her.

She was starting to understand why she could see him. He was… a ghost, a spirit of sorts and she’d asked him one night whether he was actually there. He was and he wasn’t, is what he’d told her. Because it was true but it also wasn’t true. It was such a contradiction but she accepted it for what it was and she’d continue to accept it, it meant she could see him and that he could talk to her and hold her. She was so warm when he hugged her and he was so cold all the time. Being next to her made him feel alive again, reliving happy memories, before she’d relent and slip off into a deeper sleep where she could no longer feel him.

He’d visited his Mom as well. Just the once, to say goodbye. He didn’t go again. One visit she’d accept as a dream, any more and he’d risk upsetting her already fragile emotions and he didn’t want to aggravate his Moms condition.

He visited Derek too, a few times actually. To make sure he was keeping good on his word and looking out for Y/N, although he knew he was. Derek had been his best friend on the team and he’d known there was no way he’d let Spencer down.

Spencer had dropped in at work one day, sitting in the corner of Rossis’ office as he counselled a distraught Morgan.

“Dave, it’s wrong… I need to make these feelings go away.”

“Derek, it’s not wrong. You can’t help how you feel. Has she given any indication….?” The older man had tried to delve deeper, comforting his friend.

“I don’t know… Sometimes I think so and then others…. I can’t tell. And I can’t act on it like I normally would to find out.” Spencer watched a tear slip from his best friends eye, wishing he could help him.

“Why not?”

“You know why Dave, you know why.”

The older man had sighed and patted Morgans shoulder. “He’d want you to be happy Morgan. He’d want both of you to be happy.”

Spencer hadn’t been sure how he’d felt about the conversation at first, and then he had a long hard think about it and decided that he didn’t mind it. Morgan was a good guy, and he knew that this would be different flings.

… Another three months after….

The anniversary of his death had kicked you back down to rock bottom, resulting in another absence from work, although this one had only lasted a week. He’d come to you that night, not holding you this time, you told him not to. You needed to sob this out by yourself.

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

Your 'dreams’ were less frequent but that didn’t mean you didn’t feel him there still. You could sense him.

Sometimes you’d be going about your business in the house and you’d stop.

“Spencer?” You’d whisper, feeling your hair waft in a breeze that should be there.

It was comforting and unsettling both at the same time to begin with…. But now…you didn’t know, now it seemed almost wrong.

You didn’t want him to not be there, but the truth was, he wasn’t there. Not really. It didn’t make sense anymore.

 _These wounds won’t seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There’s just too much that time cannot erase_  
…

“Baby girl, that food was to die for, as always. Next time, I’m cooking.. Well, taking you out. Alright?”

You laughed as you escorted Morgan to the door, seeing him out. You’d been spending more and more time with him and you liked it. You’d always got on with him but since Spencer had gone, you’d seen a different side to him. The softer side that he kept hidden at work. Morgan had been your rock and you’d helped each through the past year. You honestly didn’t know what you’d do without him.

“Alright, I’ll let you take me out. But no Italian, okay. Rossi has fed me so much pasta recently, I’m scared I’ll become a piece of penne.” You’d had to actually throw away some of the delicious meals your colleague had bought over for you, claiming he’d cooked too much but knowing that he was trying to fatten you back up. You’d lost a lot of weight with everything that had happened.

“Your choice, beautiful girl, your choice.”

You smiled and let Derek pull you in for hug goodbye. You enjoyed his hugs. They were different to Spencers but comforting and nice in a different kind of way. Spencer had been all long arms and lean muscle, Derek was bulky and somehow, more cuddly with it. Nothing would replace Spencers warm hugs, but Derek’s came a close second.

You pulled back from his arms, reaching up and planting a kiss on Derek’s cheeks, hearing an odd hitch in his breathing as he turned to look at you.

“Y/N…. ” He whispered softly, his head lowering to yours and surprising you as he placed his mouth onto yours.

You kissed him back, out of shock more than anything before you pulled back and pushed him angrily away.

“Morgan! What the fuck?” You wiped the back of your mouth with your hand, trying to rid any trace of him from you.

“Oh fuck. I’m sorry, kitten… I’m so sorry. I thought… Oh god I don’t know what I thought.” He looked ashamed of himself, a feeling that was running through you as well.

“What the hell made you think you could do that! He was your best friend Derek!”

“I know, I know. I just… I thought… I feel something for you Y/N. I thought.. I thought maybe you felt it too.”

Without thinking, the next words spilled from your mouth. “It doesn’t matter what I feel for you! What about Spencer?!”

Derek looked at you sadly. “Spencers gone, Y/N. You know this. He’s not coming back. But I’m AM here. I’m sorry. The timings not right, but I don’t think it’ll ever be right. I have feelings for you. I’m sorry, but I do.”

“Just leave Morgan. Please. Go.”

“Y/N.. Can we talk about this?”

“There’s nothing to talk about! Nothing! Get that into your head. I belong to Spencer. No one else. It’s not right.”

“He’d want you to be happy. He’d want US to be happy, we can be that together.”

The damn that was building behind your eyes burst free and you used all your mite to shove Derek outside of the door, taking him by surprise, and slamming it shut.

No no no no.

Just no.

It didn’t matter what you felt for your friend, Spencers best friend, just… No.

It was wrong.

You would never move on from Spencer. He was your one and only.

You couldn’t have feelings for someone else, especially Derek. It wasn’t right.

You stalked into the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of vodka from the freezer and taking a long glug, screwing your face up at the taste.

Taking another sip, you felt your hair blow in a breeze that wasn’t there.

“Now… You’re here now. You saw that. Of course you fucking did. Well you don’t have anything to worry about. You may have left me here, all alone. But alone I’ll stay, until we can be together again. However far away that may be.”

_I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone  
But though you’re still with me  
I’ve been alone all along_

You raised the bottle to your lips once more, feeling a sudden chill run up you arm, causing you to lose your grip, the bottle smashing to the ground.

You looked around the room accusingly, knowing it was him.

“So I can’t even drown my sorrows now? Is that it? Just leave me alone, for once. Just one night. I feel guilty enough as it is. Please…. ”

Leaving the mess on the floor, you took yourself off up to bed, flinging Spencers pillow onto the floor. You just wanted one night of blissful blank sleep, with no dreams. And vodka would have done that.

…

Spencer felt bad. He hated how guilty he knew she felt. Yet she had no reason to.

He knew what he had to do. Which is why he’d made her drop the bottle. Alcohol would make her pass out. And he couldn’t have that tonight. Not when he needed to talk to her.

He wanted her to be happy. He wanted to take her pain away, make her tears stop. He knew that they’d always have something special. She was his love. The only one he’d ever have. But she could have another, and she needed to know that.

_When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears  
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_


	4. Here Comes The Sun

Spencer waited until her breathing changed and her eyes started to flicker under her lids. It took longer than normal, almost as if she knew he was going to be there tonight and she didn’t want to see him. He could feel the guilt rolling off her in waves.

But she had nothing to feel guilty about, and she needed to know that.

When the time was right he climbed onto the bed next to her and slowly started stroking her arm.

“Y/N….. ”

She stiffened, but ignored him.

“Y/N… Come on.” Spencer tried again, moving closer behind her on the bed.

“I just wanna sleep.” She muttered, burrowing down into her covers.

“And I’ll let you sleep. Afterwards….tonight will be the last time you see me.”

That got her attention and she rolled over immediately to face him, a stricken look clouding her features.

“What do you mean. You’re not… You’re not leaving me again, Spencer.”

“I’ll never truly leave you, Y/N. But I won’t show myself to you after tonight. It’s not right anymore.” He kept his voice soft, seeing her eyes flooding again.

“Because of tonight, because of Derek?! Spencer that meant nothing to me…I… I…”

She started to sob, and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him and shushing her gently, smoothing back her hair.

“This isn’t because of Derek. It’s because of you. You need to move on Y/N. And I’m not helping you. I came because I didn’t want to see you hurt yourself, but I stayed because I couldn’t bear to see you sad and be by yourself, and seeing me seemed to make you happy. But you’re not by yourself, you have people who love you and want to help you. And seeing me, now only seems to make you sadder. I can’t keep coming.”

“Yes you can!”

“No, I can’t. This is goodbye sweetheart. For good. I didn’t say goodbye before, I couldn’t. But now I can and I have to. So before I go, I need you to know how special you were to me, how perfect. You lit up each and every day we spent together, and you filled my heart with so much joy and happiness. I can’t thank you enough for loving me the way you did, for showing me all the things you did and sharing your world with me. What we had was the love of a lifetime, but it was the love of MY lifetime, not yours. You can have another, you deserve another. You’re so young still, there’s so much more for you to do. You ARE going to get married and you ARE going to have babies, you’ll be such a fabulous mother Y/N. And I’ll be so pleased and proud to watch from afar.”

“I don’t.. I don’t want to. Not without you, Spencer. I can’t without you.” She was clutching at him now.

“You have to. I’m not really here, you know that. You can’t keep living with my ghost and I can’t keep making you. It’s okay for you to move on. It’s okay for you to love again.”

Y/N was quiet for a few moments, silently sobbing into his chest and Spencer rubbed her back, savouring these last moments. After a while she spoke.

“It’s feels like I’d be cheating on you.”

“But you’re not. It’s completely different from that. Having feelings for someone else doesn’t mean you loved me any less. You loved me as much as you could, and a part of you always will. A part of your heart will always belong to me just like my whole heart will always belong to you. But… You can share your heart with another. Derek maybe….. ”

She raised her head to look at him, her cheeks glistening and her eyes red. Y/N had never been a pretty crier. She cried like she did everything else in her life, with passion. But she still looked like the most beautiful creature Spencer had ever laid eyes on.

“Derek…. ” She whispered.

Spencer nodded.“I can see that you two have developed feelings for each other. And it’s okay. He was my best friend and I asked him to take care of you. And I know he would. Of all the people it could be, I’m happy it’s him.”

Her cheeks crumpled again as more tears fell.

“Why did you have to die, Spencer.” She rasped out. “I love you so much, you were my everything. Why… Why did you have to go.”

“Shhh… Shhh. I love you too, so much. More than any words can express. I’m sorry for leaving you, I really am. But I had to. And I have to leave you again, it’s the only way.” Spencer held her close, closing his eyes and inhaling the smell of her. “Everything’s going to be okay. I promise. When you wake up tomorrow, it will all be okay.”

He kept repeating his words over and over to her until her sobs started to subside.

“Stay with me until I fall asleep properly? For the last time?” She asked quietly, finally accepting what he was saying to her.

“Of course. For the last time…. ”

It took her another two hours to drift off into a deeper sleep, a sleep where he could no longer reach her. Everytime she felt herself drifting, she’d shake herself awake again, not wanting to lose him. Finally, she was fast off, and Spencer disentangled himself and looked over her. Tears were still falling, even in her sleep. He didn’t want to leave her, but he would.

He wouldn’t leave her for good though, he never could. There’d be times in her future where she’d be able to sense him there, and he’d give her a reassuring push. But he wouldn’t show himself to her again. He’d watch her live her life from afar. Whether it was with Derek or someone else, he wanted her to be happy. He knew that he had held her heart for so long and that meant everything to him. Their love had been perfect. Her next love, would feel different. But it would still be love. And she would still be happy, he could sense it.

Lowering his head, his pressed his lips to her forehead for one last time before moving away from the bed.

There was just one last thing he had to do first.

…

When you woke up the next morning, you felt different. Like, a weight had been lifted in some way.

_Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
And I say it’s all right_

You could recall the conversation and the tears from the previous night, and as much as it hurt you, you knew Spencer was right.

You’d always love him, always. But… He wasn’t here. Not anymore. He’d told you he wanted you to move on, that it was okay. And you were starting to believe him.

_Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter  
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here_

Pulling yourself out of bed, you tugged the curtains open, seeing the sun outside already brightening up the day.

_Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
And I say it’s all right_

You wondered what Derek was doing, you needed to apologise. Your phone….. where was it… Downstairs. Where you’d left it.

Heading down you noted that the house felt different. A calmer atmosphere to it. A happier one. Retrieving your cell, you text Morgan, apologising for your behaviour and asking if you could meet for brunch. He text back almost immediately, naming a cafe that you’d frequented together. You’d have a chat with him. Talk about your…. your feelings for him. This wasn’t going to be an instant and immediate relationship. It would take time and would be slow. But something told you that Derek would be willing to accept that, he’d accept you just the way you were because he knew how hard this was going to be for you.

You cleaned up your mess in the kitchen, spraying some air freshener to get rid of the smell of vodka, and then you headed up stairs for a shower and to get ready.

..

Looking in the mirror, you appraised yourself. Make up had gone some way to hide the dark shadows under your eyes. Fixing a smudge, your eyes flickered to the ring on your left hand. The ring you’d never taken off since the night Spencer had asked you to marry him.

Walking over to the dresser, you searched your jewellery box for a silver chain and then took a deep breath. You slowly tugged the ring off your finger, threading it onto the chain and hanging it around your neck, dropping it beneath your top. Close to your heart. Where he always would be.

You were ready to go but first, you needed to straighten the sheets. You’d thrown them off messily when you’d climbed out of bed, and you really shouldn’t leave them that way.

As you flipped the covers back, your eyes landed on something purple. Something you’d been looking for over a year now.

Spencers scarf.

You glanced around the room, not sensing him there but wondering if he was watching from somewhere. As you bent to pick it up, a photo fluttered down to the bed and you picked that up as well.

It was the three of you together. Derek and Spencer on either side of you, both hugging you, and all three had huge smiles on your faces.

_Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces  
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here_

This was him. He’d put them there, you’d been looking for that damn scarf for months and you’d bet he knew where it was all along. This was his blessing.

Placing the photo down on your beside table, you raised the fabric to your face. It still smelled like him, all warm and cosy. It was still cold outside at this time of year so you wrapped it around your neck, feeling comforted by the finds.

_Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting  
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been clear_

“I love you, I always will. Thank you for this.” You whispered into the air, a smile spreading over your face.

It really WAS going to be okay.

 _Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
And I say it’s all right  
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
It’s all right, it’s all right_  
..

**Author's Note:**

> It's a big ask but if you’re enjoying my content and you’re financially able to then you may consider buying me a Ko-Fi as a way of financially supporting my writing. Many thanks to you if you do, it means so much to me that anyone might enjoy my work enough to dontate to me
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/cherrywhisp


End file.
